So looking back at 2010 I see myself as a loser.. not meaning to humiliate myself but hoping to change. Yes I was a loser and a big one, I thought I could control everything I do or think about but I actually was dreaming.. I had the widest imagination which have thrown me in a dirty muck.. I tried to stand up and remove the dirt and I raised one leg to walk a step but I again fell.. I did that a thousand time and all what I was doing is working hard on myself to keep on living normally.. I tried to maintain a life but it didn't last so long.. Till the end of 2010 when I again have thrown myself in a deeper muck.. it was a black ocean of shallow thoughts, weird expectations and fancy possession.. and I didn't posses any of what I tried to obtain.. thank god I tried to manage some studying otherwise I would be here sitting and holding last semester's sheets! It was a long process that doesn't seem to end yet.. I know it harms me but I didn't end it yet.. It will destroy me deeply yet not ending it.. I just can't describe how shallow I have been.. Still trying.. still trying.. I mean still suffering.
but today and only today, I started to see a light.. that light which is said to be at the end of the tunnel.. I don't see any tunnels honestly but I started to look at my life and future more clearly, more wisely than I was.. the problem is that I sometimes lose the connection with who I want to be.. cause imagining my position may help in gathering up my will, mental and physical power.. That light made me look back and discover how much I've lost which is making me more and more furious! I won't blame myself more than I did cause at the time I was lost, I was doing nothing except blaming myself, others and every molecule in the world…. No I won't be that loser again.. I'll search for more power of my inside.. There's a light!